Thursday, December 23, 2010

Eyeglasses: A Calling Card For Your Face. blog banner. Why, you may ask?
This evening my dearest friend Emily pointed out that I was MISSPELLED the word 'sincerely' on the banner.

I. am. an. idot.


I got glasses today for the first time. (Pics of that and other things later.)

This was an interesting experience. I have always wanted glasses. I think that glasses really say a lot about an individual: How a person wants to present themselves, how intelligent they are, what their style aesthetic is, whether they are blind and have glass eyes or not.. . etc. Call me shallow, but I feel like glasses are a very good indicator of all of these things...they're like a calling card of sorts you happen to wear on your face.

Let me illustrate this principal a little for you, friends:

Example A: These glasses say "I'm trying to be cool and ironic. I like to think I'm really really with it. I work at American Apparel. I took these glasses from my dead Great Aunt Judy's House."

Example B: These glasses say "I'm a maximum security prisoner. I'm wondering how long it would take me to whittle these suckers down and make a shank."

Example C: These glasses say: "I'm the wealthiest cat lady in the United States. I have 60 cats in my high-rise apartment and I crumple hundred dollar bills all over their meow mix for dinner."

Example D: These glasses say " I'm John Lennon."

Well there you go, friends! Now you see what I'm talking about. I'm not sure what "statement" I'm trying to make with my glasses yet...but I'll let you know.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A Grandma Shirley Christmas Special.

I have a very quirky blended family, I guess I could say. After my Dad passed away my Mom and I moved into  a new home with my Grandparents. This was during my 8th grade year I believe, and right around Christmas time. Initially, I was very reluctant to embrace how different my living circumstances were from others..but now I am so grateful and thankful for how bizarre and funny my family is. It's different..but I don't think I'd change anything about it.

For a little Christmas are some things that have happened since I have been home.

1) We have no real Christmas Tree. Prior to coming home, my Mother kept telling me she'd decorated a tree and that 'it was really great'...'it was really cute. very very cute."

And in my mother's cat lady style aesthetic is.

Here is what I came home to see: A florescent pink Christmas tree (sparkly, of course) covered in bells and giant plastic snowflake garland. The absolute cherry atop this masterpiece is the ceramic 'angelballerina' that crowns our blessed tree.

Not an angel. Not a ballerina. A ballerina with angel wings. Angelballerina.

There is a ceramic ballerina with wings on top of the Christmas tree. It's like a Yuletide version of 'The Black Swan.'

The entire tree is about 2 feet tall....but some masterpieces are petite. The Mona Lisa isn't very big, I hear.

 Example A: Ours is nowhere near as stately...but you get an idea.

2) My Grandma loves snow men. She loves Micky Mouse, too...but she REALLY loves snow men.  They have definitely come to serve as a more... prominent motif in our holiday decorating this year.

She came in while I was watching TV and told me (so excitedly) that she'd made a "Christmas Village" in the kitchen. In Grandma's definition..."Christmas Village" meant taking 32 (I counted) ceramic snowmen figurines and arranging them on the dinner table.

 My dinner table is a family reunion for 32 ceramic snowmen.

Grandma is so proud of her Christmas village. I am too.

Example B: Imagine this..but with no buildings or snow or trees and only snowmen figures. On a table. and you have Grandma Shirley's Christmas village.

Anyways, Those are yet another two cute and quirky things that happened here in the Sawyer/Buchanan house. I expect many more things will come over this break.

Wishing you a happy holiday filled with Angelballerinas and Christmas Villages,


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Ooooohhhh Luxury

I am done focusing on finals. I am done talking about finals. Here are some things that are stupid:

During the holiday season, there is a drastic surge of crap-tastic and melodramatic tv commercials- namely jewelery and perfume commercials.

Why? Because nothing says 'i am so thankful that Christ came into human form on earth and was born under the most humble circumstances, so that we may be saved from our sin and transgressions' like buying an ugly necklace and a bottle 'a toilet water for your whiny wife.

I am just overwhelmed by all these commercials. I want to know if they actually work on people. When people see a 45 second clip of a female celebrity with a shawl on her head, spinning in a flower field or running down a staircase to jump on a motorcycle, are they actually thinking "this perfume will transport me to that flower field. That's gonna be me with the shawl on my head."?

I'll tell you what that perfume is gonna do for you. It's gonna make you 80 dollars shorter and smell like Dolly Parton's hairdresser. Ho Ho Ho.


 Britney Spears Perfume: Because you know your wife or girlfriend wants to smell like erratic behavior and the loss of parental custody. OHHHHHH LUXURY.

let's move on

Jewelery commercials. I have also never understood why crappy expensive jewelery is synonomous with REEEEALLLY loving your spouse. What, you get me a pendant that looks like a gold-dipped cornflake and I'm supposed to be glad about it?

                                               OOOOOOOHHHHHH LUXURY.

Here is the commercial that really set me off: i saw one the other day for Kay Jewlers. It involved this man coming up behind his wife who was rocking their baby. He said "Ohhhhhh whah whah whah our first Christmas as a family whah wah." Then he proceed to pull out a ring box and giver her this butt-ugly ring.
Babies. AIN'T . Cheap. If you JUST had a baby..the LAST thing you need to do is go out a drop all this cash on crappy depressing grandma jewelry. I hope you are prepared to let your baby wear that ring as a diaper. Or feed that ring to the baby as formula. Or use that ring as electricity, water, and heating in your home.

Too bad i have to live in the real world.

Merry Christmas.


Sunday, December 12, 2010


You know, around finals and end of the semester...just about anything will distract me. anything. just around last week i found myself sitting on the bed for about 20 minutes watching an infomercial for doggy insulin.

here are two significant thoughts i had that distracted me today:
1) i see so many people dressing their little kids so stylishly. why? if you have small children and they are the cute don't have to worry about their clothes matching and stuff. you don't even need really need to make them wear real clothes. they look cute in anything. in fact, you should just make them wear a wide variety of costumes because they will look so cute. seriously, if you got a cute 3 year could dress them up like chunk of raw meat and they'd still be adorable. enjoy them while they pull it off. less baby gap. more baby costumes.

Example A: Too mature.

Example B: Juuuuust right!

2) the male population of OC could not have a more concentrated amount of white trash automobile decor. i guess i didn't realize this was a campus of coal miners. that's the only acceptable group of people that should have patriotic eagle sun shields. them and maybe former presidents. but the cherry on top of country-fied car embellishments has to be the dignified young gentleman who placed some very stately and very real DEER LEGS on either side of his pickup truck.

deer legs? when did it become appropriate to strap animal remains on your vehicle? your car is not your personal hunting lodge. i await the day i get stuck behind somebody dragging a whale carcass strapped to the back of their SUV...or see somebody with the last remaining white Siberian tiger's head on the spokes of their bicycle wheels.

like i said. finals week= mental distractions.


Friday, December 10, 2010

Whelp. Here it is.

Okay. You hoodrats got the best of me. I started a blog. I don't think introductions are necessary. You know how I do, so i'm gonna jump on in and start with my running social commentary.

Today I encountered one of those obnoxious rude guys you really want to set on fire.

Typically at OC, it is an absolute given that a male will open the door for you. It's not that I feel as a woman I am entitled to this treatment...i am just used to it. It's a traditional thing here. I am a creature of habit, and i am in the habit of having the dang door opened for me.

However today i was directly behind a guy that shall not be named out of courtesy, also..i didn't know how to spell his last name. Kidding. I'm all about courtesy(?).

Anyways..this guy was with girfriend, doing the  typical 'we have to walk with our arms around each other so you know we're reeeeeally in love' powerstance.  This did not prevent the guy from opening the door for themselves.

It also did not prevent him from keeping the door from slamming me in the face. Twice. Nor did it prevent him not saying a word and shrugging as his girlfriend told him he should be more considerate.

I like to imagine that that door hit me in the face. I like to imagine that i was grossly disfigured because of it and  have to wear  a different ski mask..depending on each day of the week. I like to imagine that this jerkwad guy  will come sobbing to me and tell me how sorry he is now that I have drink straws in my nose orifice now so that i can breath through my ski mask.

I will look at him...take both of his hands and say through my loud straw nose breathing.."if had..just opened the door for me."

Too bad I have to live real life.