Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Spring Sing: or Your Guide on How to Look Like an Idiot for an Audience!

well...it's been a long time since i last blogged.

but you can just cope with that..because i never promised i would do it often. just when i felt i had something worthy of documenting.
also because since January...the bulk of my life has been dominated by an event so insulated and christian- college specific that trying to explain it to 'outsiders' makes it sound like you are in a cult and putting on a polygamist Mormon musical or something....

Spring Sing.

well...for those of you who don't know.. Spring sing is a show put on by each social service club, involving a theme, costumes,  clean "choreography, and the blatant plagiarism of contemporary pop songs and copyrighted TV and cartoon characters.

if it sounds stupid..that's because it probably is. Needless to say OC is all over it.

To be honest it's really fun. and although it does call for being a strong singer and dancer (i am neither) it also calls for one other specific quality that I am very very skilled at....

Making yourself look like an idiot.

I happen to be really really good at that! I've had about 20 years of formal training in doing, saying, and making the facial expressions of an highly developed idiot. If you'd like to see my previous work..consult the glossy pages of my middle school yearbook.

You may have believed differently ...but compensating for your total lack singing and dancing skills by looking stupid is not an easy feat. only those who are deeply devoted to the craft can pull it off.
Take for example this clip of me (in the red shirt) at practice.

Tongue hanging out of the mouth? Constipated look on my face? Weird air punching and stomping in lieu of just jogging to my spot like everyone else? all carefully chosen moves.

So if you find yourself in doubt as to whether you can look cool during the show..try copying any of the above moves for maximum idiot effect.

it's all about mastering the craft, guys.


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Textbooks of doom.

 Day 2 of classes and I found myself without a single text book purchase made and really, really, needing to start working on doing homework.  You know, there are a ton of really great places on the web where you can get text books for cheap. I could have gone to any such sites over break, ordered textbooks for a fraction of the normal cost, and been a champion.

Unfortunately I was too busy over break helping Grandma make chex mix, listening to that 'wavin' flag' song from the worldcup on youtube, and making multiple trips to the Bath and Body Works yearly clearance sale to do such a petty task. Obviously I had no time during those three weeks for such an odious labor.

So i found myself in the OC book store, that last and cursed resort. It's like stepping into a depressing orphanage but instead of taking a sickly baby home  you buy a ton of overpriced text books you don't want. . It is a low and mournful place that sells tacky coffee mugs with angels on them for visiting parents and will try to charge you three bucks for an eraser.

Anyways..after getting my stack of books (the most books I have needed yet for school, mind you) I took my load to the register...it felt like the march of death.

My breathing quickened, my pulse raced as the overly-enthusiastic checkout girl happily scanned each book like I was buying plane tickets to disneyland or a puppy.

Before I knew it..the scanning was over and the books were being placed in a bag. In her chipper little voice she said

"Well great! that's gonna be 430 dollars. Will you be paying by card?"

I was speechless. I could buy a kidney for that price. Heck, I could SELL a kidney for that price and pay for those blasted text books. I seriously thought i was going to puke all over the register and over her very nice and very shiny name-badge. I have never felt so desperate. I had a stream of crazy panicked ideas: 'maybe I'll scream 'fire!!!' and grab the books and run! Maybe....I'll knock over this stack of ugly license plate covers to create a diversion...then grab the books and run! Or maybe....I'll shine her shiny name-badge in her eyes to blind her temporarily......then i'll grab the books and run!!'

I didn't do any of those things.. But I did shake like crazy. She could barely get the card out of my hand...she literally pried my fingers away.  In a far away vault, my bank account wept.

Children, you must bear witness to this atrocity. Unless we learn from history we are doomed to repeat it. Unless we rent from chegg.com or purchase gently used on amazon, we will continue to venture into the OC bookstore and be stripped of our hard-earned cash and also our humanity.

Bear witness, and remember.