I am a hypocrite.
Like a huge, blaring pin-the-red-letter-H-to-all-my-shirts kind of hypocrite.
I spend all my time, all my life, really, to get to a point where I am legally qualified by the state of Oklahoma to work at a job that helps people learn to be more effective communicators and stop hiding behind silence, passive aggression, and and feelings of embittered resentment.
Yet in my own personal life, I am the worst at communicating. Sure, I can tell my friends that I love them, what I think they should do if they're struggling with a problem, what they should say in a particular situation they're unsure about. I can communicate things that are happy, I can communicate for people who aren't me. I can do that, and I'm really, really good at it.
But I can't tell a friend when they've really hurt me. I can't voice when I'm feeling betrayed, or neglected, or irritated. I can't tell somebody when I have feelings for them, and I definitely am the WORST at telling someone that I don't have feelings for them any longer. I can't tell you how many times I've gone to bed literally kicking myself for not being honest and expressing what's on my hear.
Maybe it's because I'm afraid of what will happen if I say what I think; that I will be met with anger, rejection, or lose the person I'm trying to communicate with. Maybe it has to do with the fact that if I do somehow get up the courage to be honest, I normally get huffy, or overly-emotional, and completely butcher the crap out of what I needed to say. And so I let my fear become greater than any healing or satisfaction I might get from being honest. Or I let my emotions get the best of me and blow it big-time.
I always identify with Moses when he's talking to God in Exodus and basically says: "Lord, I'm terrible at speaking, and I always have been. I really, really suck at it." (I'm OVERLY paraphrasing Exodus 4:10, by the way)
But the cool part is what God says back to Moses (basically): "Who even gave you the mouth to speak with? I did. So go on and do what I tell you to do. I'm going to give you the words."
God never said "oh, you're bad with words? nevermind. that really sucks for you, man."
God took Moses, who probably sucked at communicating even more than I do, and gave him the words he needed to get through some very, very complicated social situations. All because Moses chose to obey him and trusted that God would give him the words.
I believe he can do the same for me.
So I'll keep praying for a faith like Moses. That God will give me the courage to be honest and unafraid, and the ability to express my thoughts in a spirit of love and humility.
So here's the first step. See all the above words? That's me communicating.
It probably would have been a little easier for Moses, too, if he was able to start out blogging first..